I owe you guys a whole bunch of posts. I definitely realize that. I have photos of food from my going away party and Thanksgiving, and I have insights from eating nothing but the stuff I brought with me on a 4-day road trip. But today I'm thinking about other things, because yesterday I did something I haven't done for a long time - I ate CRAP.
I'm not talking about when I go to a restaurant and order a steak even though it's grain-fed rather than grass-fed, or that time I was out on a date and the guy said "oh let's get this awesome eggplant salad" and I asked the server if they could put the feta on the side and the server said "nope, it's in the dressing" and I said "yeah, ok, I guess I'll have it anyway even though dairy isn't part of my paleo diet" because the salad sounded pretty awesome and also the boy's smile was adorable and charming. (How's that for a crazy long sentence?)
(Also, it's worth noting that *some* people who eat paleo DO eat small amounts of high-fat dairy, but I choose not to because I'm better at eliminating foods than moderating them.)
No, I'm talking about full on ate crap all day. I didn't mean to, but sometimes things happen.
You see, I'm at a conference this weekend. It's an amazing conference called The Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference and all of my heroes are here. For those of you to whom this means anything, some of the featured names on the roster are John and Julie Gottman, Irvin Yalom, Sue Johnson, Mary Pipher, Martin Seligman, Donald Wing Sue, Salvador Minuchin, Peter Levine, Scott Miller, Marsha Linehan, and the list just goes on and on. Basically, every time I buy a book that's about therapy, they invite the author to this conference - I'm pretty sure that's how it works.
Anyway, the conference is in Anaheim and I'm staying with a friend who lives in Orange County, about a 20 minute drive away. I left for yesterday's sessions a little later than I intended, so I didn't have the chance to pop across the street from where I'm staying to Panera and order off their paleo-friendly Hidden Menu. That's ok - there are food trucks parked outside the hotel.
I got to the conference, parked, and made a run towards Michelle Weiner-Davis's workshop on doing couples therapy by working with just one partner... but I'm a mess if I don't eat in the morning. (Some people who eat paleo practice intermittent fasting and don't eat until noon. I think that would really mess me up.) So I stopped at a food truck and ordered their only breakfast option - a breakfast burrito. It had eggs and bacon, which are friendly, but also potatoes and cheese and a tortilla, which are definitely all against the rules. Then for lunch I had a burger, which I ordered without the bun - just the patty, lettuce, and tomato... but I guess maybe in "super busy food truck" language, "lettuce and tomato" actually means "a ridiculous amount of very greasy cheese," because that's what I got instead. I followed all the rules for a very nice dinner with my parents (except my amazing filet mignon was corn-fed, not grass-fed, but that's a really minor transgression in the scheme of things) but by that point it was too late.
The reason I'm ratting myself out here is that I noticed something amazing: all day yesterday, I was incredibly inattentive.
Now this will require a bit of back story. I've always have issues with focusing, to some degree. When I was a kid, I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder because I would constantly fidget and daydream. It really caused me a lot of problems in school. I frequently got in trouble in class, and even though I was "really smart," teachers observed that I "couldn't focus" and "didn't seem to be living up to my potential." My mom, ever the motivated and proactive parent, brought me to specialists.
I underwent a slew of different treatments. I went to a therapist who taught me about "the focused position," which was both feet on the floor, back straight, shoulders down, head up like it was being lifted by a string. That didn't work very well because all I could think about was whether I was sitting correctly. I tried medications - I don't remember specifically which ones, but I know I was on Ritalin in 10th grade because someone told me it worked wonders for them and I asked permission to try it. I went to a chiropractor who did what was probably the most effective treatment I had undergone... but the effects only lasted for about a day or so. I regularly went for EEG Biofeedback where I tried to learn how to control my brain through really boring games. It's worth noting that the narrative I have associated with this slew of treatments when I think back on it was, "wow, my parents really cared and wanted to do everything they could to try to help me," so I'm not upset by this, but it's a lot. And ultimately, nothing really worked.
The only thing that did eventually seem to work was deciding that I cared enough to prioritize focusing. That didn't really happen in a big way until graduate school. I got really unimpressive grades in college, but in graduate school I had a 3.975. (Thanks, psychopharmacology, for screwing up my 4.0 with an A-!) So the story has a happy ending, which is that I found a career I love and when I'm learning about it, I buckle down and focus... not because my brain chemistry has shifted (at least not that I know of), but because when I'm passionate about something, it's not hard to pay attention. My mind still wanders when stuff is uninteresting to me, but I mainly indulge in the things that fascinate me so it's not really a big deal. (A psychiatrist I worked alongside once said to me that the best cure for ADHD is to "be interested in everything.")
But here's the thing - yesterday, I COULD NOT FOCUS. Seriously, it was awful. Part of it might have been that I'm feeling anxious about job searching and uncomfortable with the fact that I don't have an outlet to do therapy here in LA yet... but it was more than that. Try as I might, I could not make myself focus on my workshops. And we're not talking boring workshops. We're talking about John and Julie Gottman, the parents of contemporary couples therapy, talking about how to build trust and treat infidelity. Now that's some awesome and fascinating stuff!
Today I planned better. I got up early and went to Panera where I ate two eggs, some steak, and half an avocado for breakfast. And I went to six different workshops:
1. Sue Johnson and the Gottmans talking about infidelity
2. Bessel Van der Kolk and a few others talking about anxiety disorders
3. Peter Levine, Mary Pipher, and others talking about PTSD
4. Derald Wing Sue talking about recognizing and combating microaggressions to provide more competent treatment to minorities
5. Irvin Yalom talking about the history of psychotherapy
6. Martin Seligman doing a Q&A
And compared to yesterday, it was like night and day. All this makes me wonder whether among other things, the standard American diet contributes to the high rate of ADD (well, ADHD inattentive type - thanks for that cumbersome change, DSM) among children. If kids ate paleo (and I'm not trying to be preachy - just curious), would the rate of those diagnoses decrease?
Grain-free food for thought, in any event.
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